just that one last dance.

less than 2 weeks to go till exams. approximately 10 days till DDM is due. exactly 8 days till concert report is due. only 3 days till submission.


i think i ought to really start.

posted by yun @ 12:52 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

Suffocating, suffocated.

Can we just sit and watch ?

Just sit and watch in indifference; this beautiful disaster.

posted by yun @ 11:19 AM 0 Comments Links to this post

I fear death.

Perhaps a tad too excessive for someone my age. Throbbing headache now. A migraine. Pretty normal sounding i guess. But it troubles me. Very worrisome how it seems to be worst when i'm lying down. Very worrisome how it seems to stem from a point at my head, how it got so bad that it kept me from sleeping.

I just got up and popped a painkiller because it was too unbearable. The pain is dulled now, but a mild throbbing remains.

It reminds me of Yit Chiat. How nostalgic. Am i going to die ? I wonder. I suppose it's the doctor's tomorrow. Hopefully, it's just the cold. Hopefully it's just a lack of rest. Everytime i get a horrible headache in the night i worry. Am i going to die in my sleep just like him ? I dont think i would like that. How unexpected it would be, and not even knowing the cause of death. Not even a last word.

I got up and popped the painkiller because i thought of typing this. More or less anyway. Just to leave a word, just in case.

Pray that it's really nothing more than cold and paranoia. God, am i being clingly now ? To this pathetic little life. But how afraid i am to face judgement.

Indeed, how fearful i am.

Labels: daddy :), remembering 2009

posted by yun @ 5:33 AM 0 Comments Links to this post

9pm dim sum

For entry 1001, i'm just gonna ramble a bit on some stuff:

Just came back from dim sum with joseph less than an hour ago. It's been quite a while since i've seen him. Sometimes, i wonder how one can just have an endless conversation with someone despite being out of touch for so long. 3.5 hours to catch up on half a year's worth of stuff. Joseph relaxes me, no guards, no masks. One of the first friends i made back in JC. First impression was utterly frightful though. After all, large sized St Pats boys who looked moody usually dont make one feel chirpy.

Sometimes, i wonder if not because he left, how would we be now ? Closer or even more distant ? Out of the 3 of them whom i used to hang out with back then, Ki and i were the closest. Or more like, i was the closest to Ki. Still, i cannot recall our last conversation. I cannot recall our last words. Maybe if the 4 of us were more together, things would have held out. But then again, maybe i wasnt working hard enough for us to stay together.

I tend to take things one step at a time, tackle what's in front of me, short term plans. Sometimes i neglect what has been beside me, putting it aside and only looking there when i need to or when i'm free. Perhaps if i were more committed, i could have kept Ki in my life. I think the people who have stuck with me for half my life like Ting are half insane (in a good way), i mean, there are only certain people i do my best to keep in contact with. The other half have always been on a tightrope. Still they stay true to me, to our friendship, waiting. Somehow, certain people i need to learn to hold on tighter to. I really do.

Sometimes i look back and wonder, why God puts me in a group, after all, He always eventually shuffles me up and all i'm left with is perhaps 1 out of them all. In fact, sometimes none at all. I've never been one for groups, for cliques, constantly drifting about. Still, on days when i feel lonely, i think a sense of belonging might have been good to have.

Not that i dont have people i can rely on. In fact, i have a handful of loves. But they're all in different places, all part of different lives. They know my different faces, the masks that i wear to hide. Still they're like people in parallels, never meeting, yet always being there. I'm grateful, so grateful for God's loves, for my strong towers, but somehow i wish they were at least somewhat connected. Then again, i love how diverse they are, how different they can be.

Ting's a china girl. Which is kinda a joke to others whenever i mention it. An idiot whose chinese is worst than a primary school kid has a bff who speaks mainly in chinese. Joseph's the St Pats idiot who fights with me over who speaks worst chinese. Andrew, who is always there, always with the most practical things to say, who always lifts me up in my worst times. Johan who is a po, my dearest po. Rei, who speaks not a word of chinese, who is there to listen and reassure. And the others who have always been there. Who hopefully will always be there.

I'm in a washi-paper mood now. Quiet, meditative, not in a linear flow though and with just a hint of tension in the air. Still, thank God for the time tonight. Thank God for the time with Wilfred the other night. Doesnt it suck that most of the people who are close are males ? Hahaha. Still, thank God for them, thank God for everything.

Labels: daddy :), j., remembering 2009

posted by yun @ 12:11 AM 0 Comments Links to this post

1000th

What better way to mark the 1000th entry than with an apt quote from the Sandman ? One that speaks of dreams, changes and futures. One from the very volume that got me started on this awe-inspiring series.

All around me darkness gathers,
Fading is the sun that shone;
We must speak of other matters:
You can be me when I'm gone.

Flowers gathered in the morning,
Afternoon they blossom on,
Still are withered by the evening:
You can be me when I'm gone.

-Sandman Volume 9, The Kindly Ones.

posted by yun @ 10:34 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

Sometimes, you just wonder what else can go wrong ?

Sometimes, your heart just clenches and stops without a warning.

Master Mad Hatter, you're still there, always still there.

posted by yun @ 2:53 AM 0 Comments Links to this post